im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
