he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
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The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
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