census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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