my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
