Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
