I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
