Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sext me about skeletons
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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