my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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