I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
