I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
