he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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