The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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