u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
