I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
