I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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