I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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