Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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