Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
