I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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