my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
