I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
