i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
