she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
this boner is exhausting
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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