I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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