guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
