You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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