tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Blood and glitter go together right?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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