I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
