the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
