god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
