Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
