She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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