i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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