I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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