I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
