I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
