I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
