if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
