you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
