Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
