If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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