matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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