So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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