She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
