I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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