i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
