my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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