Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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