We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
