I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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