Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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