i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
