i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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