The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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