When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
