i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
